Millions of children each year go through their parents/caregivers separating or getting a divorce. Separation and divorce are huge changes for families, and they can be challenging for everyone involved. As parents/caregivers cope with their own emotions during this challenging time, their children are also experiencing a whirlwind of feelings as they adjust to their new family life.
This guide is to help parents/caregivers understand:
- How separation/divorce can affect children.
- Ways to support children as they go through their parents’/caregivers’ separation or divorce.
- How to tell if a child might need extra help to cope with the separation/divorce, including when it might be supportive to talk to a therapist.
What to Expect: Children’s Responses to Separation and Divorce
Children will experience significant changes during separation/divorce, which can lead to many different feelings. They might feel sad, confused, angry, guilty, or worried. Sometimes, if a separation or divorce means less fighting or stress at home, children might even feel relief. A child’s feelings about the separation/divorce may also change over time as their new family life starts to settle and they become more comfortable with their routine. Every family is unique, and each child will react in their own way.
In particular, the time period right after the separation/divorce is usually when families experience the most changes in their life. During this time, children may experience feelings (e.g., anger, sadness) that lead them to act out more. This can show up as temper tantrums or being more defiant. On the other hand, children might also become very quiet and keep to themselves. School can present its own challenges; a child’s grades might drop, younger children might express reluctance to go to school and teens might skip classes. Friendships can also change, and they might have more trouble getting along with others.
While parental separation or divorce can be initially difficult for children and teens, most are resilient and adjust over time. Parents/caregivers play a big role in helping their children/teens adjust and thrive following this major family change. It can start with how the news of the separation/divorce is communicated. Then, parents/caregivers can support their child’s/teen’s adjustment immediately following the separation/divorce and beyond.
Key Conversations: Communicating the News
Many parents/caregivers wonder how to tell their children about separation/divorce. Since every family is unique, parents/caregivers can choose what works best for their family’s needs. Parents/caregivers can approach the conversation with the following tips in mind:
- For children of all ages, it’s helpful to let children know they are loved very much and that their parents/caregivers will always love them. This can help them feel secure and supported during times of change.
- It’s also helpful to tell children that the separation/divorce was not the child’s fault. It’s not the child’s job to “fix” things or get their parents/caregivers back together.
- Parents/caregivers can consider their child’s age and what the child can understand. This helps the parents/caregivers share information with their child in the most helpful way. Here are some general tips for talking to children of different ages, which can be adjusted for your own child’s needs.
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Tips for Talking About Separation/Divorce
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| 3 – 5 year olds |
- Young children benefit most when parents/caregivers clearly and calmly tell them what’s happening (e.g., ‘we won’t be married anymore,’ ‘we’re going to live in different houses’) and reassure children that they’ll be cared for.
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| 6 – 12 year olds |
- Provide a simple explanation of separation/divorce (e.g., ‘we are getting a divorce,’ ‘we’ll always be your parents but don’t want to be married anymore’).
- It isn’t necessary to get into details about why the divorce occurred.
- Acknowledge that this is hard and their child may experience many emotions.
- Be mindful of not assuming how your child feels and recognize that they may feel differently than you expected.
- Explain what parts of their child’s life will change and what will stay the same.
- Examples: changes in living arrangements, extracurricular activity schedule, school pick ups/drop offs
- Be clear about the child’s schedule and when they’ll see each parent/caregiver (if applicable).
- If safe, help the child have a good relationship with both parents/caregivers. Encourage them to spend time and talk with the other parent/caregiver (e.g., telling both parents/caregivers about earning an A on their spelling test, inviting both parents/caregivers to their karate competition).
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| 13 – 17 year olds |
- For teens, it can be helpful to provide a more detailed explanation of why the separation/divorce is occurring. However, it’s important to try to avoid blaming one parent/caregiver.
- Teens are more receptive and willing to listen if both parents express sympathy for the challenges that the divorce will cause their teens, like changes in living arrangements or financial impacts.
- Similarly to younger children, parents/caregivers should explain how the separation/divorce will impact their life.
- Examples: financial changes that impact the teen (e.g., no longer being able to afford a car, need to go to college in-state), their living arrangements – if they have a say in who they live with and/or how often they see the other parent
- When possible, allow the teen to have some input into the changes (e.g., schedule, time for friends/activities) to allow a sense of control.
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Supporting Children’s Adjustment to Separation/Divorce
There are many ways to help children adjust to their new family life. The following tips can be tailored to your child and family:
- Create opportunities for children to talk about their feelings. Parents/caregivers can do this by checking in with their child about their emotions. Parents/caregivers might ask questions like:
- “How are you feeling about everything today?”
- “Do you have any worries on your mind?”
- “Is there anything I can do to make things a little easier for you right now?”
It’s helpful for parents/caregivers to just be there and listen, even if their child doesn’t say much right away; sometimes, just knowing their parent/caregiver is there can make a big difference. If a teenager doesn’t want to talk to their parent/caregiver, that’s okay. The most important piece is for the teen to know that parents/caregivers are available to talk whenever they are ready. Parents/caregivers can also help their teen find another grown-up they trust, like a grandparent, coach, or school counselor. The main goal is for them to have someone they feel comfortable talking to honestly about what they’re going through and questions they may have.
- Provide as much consistency as possible. Predictable routines, even small ones, help children feel safe and secure when big changes are happening. The more stable and steady parents/caregivers can be, the easier it will be for their child to adjust to the divorce/separation. This might look like:
- Keeping mealtimes regular: Try to eat dinner together around the same time each night.
- Having consistent bedtimes: Stick to the same bedtime routine, including baths, stories, and lights out (whenever possible).
- Following a schedule for school days: This means waking up, getting ready, and leaving for school at roughly the same time each weekday.
- Make it easy to move between homes. This is especially important for younger children because they may not be able to pack by themselves or remember all of the things they’ll need. Parents/caregivers can help them pack their favorite toys and important school items. As children get older, they will be able to pack more on their own. If possible, having child necessities (e.g., toothbrush, comb) at each parent’s/caregiver’s home can be helpful for the child to transition between homes easily.
- Limit conflict between co-parents/caregivers whenever possible. For many, it can be helpful to think of the co-parenting relationship like a business partnership. Parents/caregivers don’t have to be friends, but most co-parents will need to work together to raise their children. It can be helpful to keep interactions calm, polite, and professional. This means focusing on the children’s needs when discussing things like schedules, school, or activities.
- Help the child avoid feeling the need to choose sides. It’s harder for children to adjust if they feel caught in the middle of their parents’/caregivers’ conflict. Parents/caregivers can help their child avoid feeling the need to choose sides by:
- Not speaking badly about the other parent when the child is around. When a parent/caregiver speaks badly about the other parent/caregiver, it can actually harm a child’s relationship with both parents/caregivers. The child may feel pressure to agree with the criticizing parent/caregiver, leading them to feel confused, angry, or disloyal to the parent/caregiver who is being criticized. On the other hand, a child may feel guilty for loving the parent/caregiver who’s being bad-mouthed. The child may also resent the parent/caregiver who is speaking badly about the other parent/caregiver.
- Not asking the child to report back on what the other parent/caregiver is doing. If the child is asked to “report” on the other parent/caregiver, the child may feel caught in the middle and have a hard time enjoying their time spent with the parent/caregiver. The child may also worry about getting the other parent/caregiver in trouble if they report what they’ve been doing. It could also lead to the child feeling responsible for any conflict that comes up between the parents/caregivers because of what the child reported.
- Find your own support. Reach out to a friend, a family member, a Lyra provider, or someone else in your support network. It’s helpful for parents/caregivers not to lean on their children to help deal with their own feelings about the separation or divorce, no matter how old the child is. This is because it makes the child feel like they have to take care of the parent. It can also make it more difficult for them to manage their own feelings about the separation/divorce.
When to Seek Professional Support for Your Child
Separation or divorce is a huge change for everyone in the family. It’s completely natural for children to have a tough time emotionally. Parents/caregivers might notice changes in their child’s mood, like seeming sad more often or worrying a lot. Parents/caregivers might also see changes in their behavior, such as acting out, having more temper tantrums, or becoming very quiet. If a child’s mood or behavior has changed a lot, it’s getting in the way of their school or social performance, and parents/caregivers think it might be because of the divorce, talking to a therapist could be really helpful. A therapist can help children understand their feelings and learn healthy ways to cope with big changes.
Questions to Discuss With Your Lyra Provider:
What are your current concerns about the impact of separation/divorce on your child?
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What is one thing you learned from this article?
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What is one thing from this article you hope to use to support your child during separation/divorce?
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