Parent-Teen Negotiation

What is parent-teen negotiation?

Negotiation is a type of communication. Negotiation can help parents/caregivers and youth feel heard and reach a solution. Parent-teen negotiation helps parents/caregivers and youth work together to discuss issues in an organized way.

Why is parent-teen negotiation important?

It is important for youth to learn how to communicate, and much of this learning happens at home. Effective communication is a skill that can help youth be successful in life. Negotiation is a way of communicating that is more effective than debating or arguing. Parents/caregivers can teach their youth how to communicate using negotiation to solve disagreements. Successful negotiations can improve the parent-teen relationship, communication, and trust.

Setting your family up for success

It is helpful to consider different parts of your family life and how you communicate with each other:

1. Home environment/parent-child relationship 

Creating a secure, safe, and supportive home environment will help your youth feel more comfortable negotiating with you.

2. Basic communication skills

Communication is a two-way process: You may be interested in communicating, but for negotiation to work, your youth must want to as well! Look for opportunities when your youth is ready to talk, instead of trying to force them to talk.

Use Active Listening: Show your youth you are really listening. Try to repeat back what they said by summarizing. Identify the emotion underlying the issue and what it means to your youth. Try not to engage in problem solving right away. If your youth feels heard, they may be more willing to speak with you. Try to take their lead.

• Consider asking your youth: “Do you feel like I am understanding your perspective here?” or “I care about your experience, and want to understand it better before we think about solutions. Can you tell me what X is like for you?“

Express your concerns clearly and objectively: Clearly state what the issue is in a matter-of-fact way. Then, explain how the issue impacts you, and your concern for its impact on your youth. Don’t personalize the issue (“You’re the only one who does this!”) or make character statements about your youth (“Why are you so lazy?!”). 

3. Goal of negotiations

The goal is not to get the youth to agree with their parent/caregiver (nor vice versa). If the parent or caregiver and youth disagree on an issue, it would be more helpful to focus on understanding each other’s perspectives first, rather than treating it as a “problem to be solved.” Most of the time, the parent/caregiver and youth will not get everything they want – that’s just how negotiations work! Instead, they may each get a piece of what they want. It may be helpful to set this expectation before starting to negotiate. Non-negotiable issues related to safety and health/well-being would not be appropriate for parent-teen negotiation (e.g., drug use, attending school).

How do you do parent-teen negotiation?

It’s likely that you are already negotiating with your youth! The P.A.S.T.E. process below offers a helpful framework for optimizing your negotiations.

• Pick a problem: 
  • List out problems that are negotiable with your youth
  • Rank these problems from low emotion to high emotion with your youth
  • Start with a problem that is meaningful, but not too intense/challenging
  • Define the problem in neutral, objective terms that everyone agrees upon
  • Define what success would look like if the problem were to improve (What changes should they see? How is that defined?)
• Alternative solutions: 
  • Generate and write down (with someone agreeing to take notes) as many solutions to the problem as you can, taking turns between parent/caregiver and youth
  • Focus on quantity versus quality at this stage; could consider combining/modifying solutions to generate more solutions
• Select the best solution:
  • Review and discuss each solution
  • List the pros and cons for each 
  • Decide upon the best solution given the discussion 
  • Remember, a negotiation is a compromise – no one will feel that they get exactly what they want!
• Try it out: 
  • Write out the plan in detail (who is doing what, when, where, and how)
  • Collaborate on the consequences for following and not following the plan 
  • Discuss what support is needed to implement the plan 
  • Discuss possible barriers to implementing the plan and develop solutions
• Evaluate the solution: 
  • Decide when you will determine if the plan is working 
  • If successful – celebrate! 
  • If the plan did not result in the outcomes everyone expected, revisit what was done and what happened. What were the challenges (forgetting, resisting, unexpected activities or responsibilities, etc.)? Revise the plan based on what was learned. Then, try it out again!

Ground Rules: A process like P.A.S.T.E. requires that the communication patterns between family members are respectful and sets the stage for negotiation. Here are some basic rules that are often helpful while doing a negotiation:

• Showing listening through behavior (eye contact to the person who is speaking, body positioning)
• One person speaks at a time
• Prior to switching turns to speak, the listener must repeat back what the speaker said and check for accuracy
• Parents or caregivers should use Active Listening (see above). 

Between-Session Practice:

When will you introduce the P.A.S.T.E. process with your youth/family? What will you say?

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What types of problems should you and your youth potentially negotiate about? Remember to have your youth involved in generating this list.  When you are done, rank these from most to least challenging.

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Which problem will you focus on? What might success look like? Define both the problem and what success looks like clearly.

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What are the alternative solutions? Be creative! 

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Which solution should you select? Consider pros and cons of each and identify one solution.

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Try out your solution. Write this out as a detailed plan.

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When will you decide on evaluating whether the plan worked and what needs to be revised? 

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