Active ignoring is an effective approach for addressing mildly inappropriate or undesired behaviors (e.g., complaining, whining, talking back). These behaviors often happen because of the attention that is given in response to these behaviors.
When our children whine, complain, or engage in other inappropriate or undesired behaviors, it can be really frustrating! These behaviors may persist because the child learns that these behaviors may get attention from others, delay/get them out of an unwanted activity, prolong an enjoyable activity, or even get a rise out of a caregiver.
Caregivers have the opportunity to be intentional with their attention: to remove attention or to provide attention in response to a child’s behavior. Active ignoring is a two-step approach that can: (1) discourage undesired behaviors by removing attention from them, followed by (2) giving attention to encourage desired behaviors. Conceptually, it is a relatively straightforward skill to implement, but active ignoring can be challenging to follow through with in daily practice.
1. Identify the undesired behaviors that you want to decrease using active ignoring.
For active ignoring to be most effective, try to only identify behaviors that are happening because they result in increased attention, getting out of/delaying doing something, or prolonging an enjoyable activity. It’s important to note that some undesired behaviors may occur because the child is unable to express their needs in more adaptive ways (e.g., tantruming because they’re anxious). The behaviors may also occur simply to push the caregiver’s buttons, which is observed in older children/teens.
To determine whether active ignoring is appropriate or not, it is important to identify the reason the behavior occurs, as mentioned above. Behaviors that are common and appropriate targets for active ignoring include:
Active ignoring is not appropriate for addressing behaviors that are dangerous/destructive or are required of your child. Behaviors that should not be ignored include, but are not limited to:
2. Identify the “positive opposite” behaviors you want to encourage through attention and praise.
Just like a caregiver should be intentional about what to ignore, they should be intentional about what to attend to instead. In other words, what alternative behaviors can you reward through attention? Here are some examples:
3. Decide on some ways to praise the “positive opposite” behavior.
What are some things you can say or do to provide attention to the behaviors that you want to see (instead of the undesired behaviors you are now ignoring)? Please refer to the Praise Guide for more guidance as needed.
4. Decide what you will say to your child to set expectations about a specific behavior moving forward.
The explanation should make clear that when X behavior occurs, you will be actively ignoring it and will only pay attention when the child stops/does the “positive opposite.” It is helpful to specifically state the behaviors you do and do not want to see.
Example: “From now on, when you are whining that it is your time to use the tablet, I will ignore you and wait until you ask nicely with a calm voice.”
5. Plan for what you will do when using active ignoring.
When you begin to ignore the behavior(s), try to:
What types of behaviors will you intentionally focus on to practice active ignoring?
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What are the “positive opposite” behaviors you plan to use praise for/pay more attention to?
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What are some things you can say or do to provide attention to the behaviors that you want to see, instead of the behaviors you are now ignoring?
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What are some things you can do to help manage your own thoughts and emotions when dealing with your child’s behaviors as you use active ignoring?
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When will you talk to your child/children about active ignoring? What will you say?
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What are some ways you can remember to use active ignoring? Who can help support you and remind you to use this skill?
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Recording what you’re doing is a helpful way to know how things are going. Here is a table that can help you:
| Date | Behavior you ignored | “Positive opposite” behavior you praised. | How well you did | Your child’s response. |
| 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | |||
| 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | |||
| 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | |||
| 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | |||
| 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | |||
| 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | |||
| 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 | 😀 🙂 😐 🙁 |